part of the process
by daylight-chan
Summary: Her hair was bright and vibrant like she was. He wasn't all that fond of the blonde that she sported five years ago. She was ambitious, caring, and loyal. She was a great friend, companion, and a mother. / [avengers:endgame] au / aka denial (romanogers)


"Okay, you win." Natasha found herself pushed to the ground. Clint had managed to trip her and push her onto the ground. A move that he would use during their sparring sessions during the rare moments when she let her guard down. He pushed her onto the ground hard, the air knocked out of Natasha for a moment.  
She looked up at him. His eyes were determined. "Tell my family I love them." Before he had a chance to get up, Natasha grabbed him on both sides and thrusted him over to the side. She swiftly pulled herself up, pointing her arm at him with her infamous widow's bite activated.

"You tell them yourself." Natasha pressed the button to release her widow's bite, stinging Clint's chest to the point where he was shaking. He'll get over it. "Tell mine I love him as well."

She was always the fastest, lighter. She ran full force towards the cliff but Clint shot an arrow at the stone as she passed, causing it to explode. Natasha flew to the side. As she curled up with the pain on her abdomen, Natasha looked up to see her best friend tossed his bow the side, running to the same cliff.

That idiot. Natasha thought as she pushed herself up with all her might to ignore the ache in her stomach. Without any thought, Natasha jumped and wrapped her arms around Clint and launched grappling hook.

Everything happened so quick but the next thing she knew was that they were dangling in the air, Clint's hand wrapped around her wrist.

"Damn you!" Clint figured out that she had placed the hook's attachment to him when they were in the air. He grunted as he struggled to pull Natasha up with his one arm. The grappling hook can only support one person's weight and it was usually Natasha's. She knew there was no way that they would make it. They can't anyway. Getting the Soul Stone was essential to getting everyone they lost back. This was the last mission.

Clint was holding her wrist tight. But Natasha's hand was free, not grasping anything. She had already made up her mind when they went back in time that this was the only way. Everything she had done, her ledger, her life...she needed to do this.

"Let me go." Clint looked down at her with sad eyes. She couldn't cry at this moment and she wouldn't.

"No. Please, no." Clint voice cracking as he desperately tried to hold onto her. Natasha was thankful that it was him she saw in her final moments. Clint was the first person who gave her a second chance at life, showed her a way to give her life purpose and become anything other than a trained assassin.

There was so many things she could say in the moment as they dangled in the air, on a strange planet with a weird red skull ghost thing. But there was only one thing on her mind.

Her eyes almost burned with the tears. "It's okay." She whispered, reassuring her friend it was time.

"No."

Then her foot pushed her up and out of Clint's grasp and she was free falling.

The air was cold.

Natasha always thought about Death. She brought many people to their death. She came close to death many times. Natasha used to think that her final thoughts would be blank and nothing. But after leaving the assassin life and joining S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers, they gave her something she never had. A family. Someone to go back to.

As she fell, she saw Clint screaming for her. She closed her eyes and she saw the famed Avengers, each member passing through like a slow slideshow. Two gravestones in the middle of a Russian cemetery with hydrangeas. Pepper and little Morgan. A small blond boy with piercing blue eyes and a beautiful-

* * *

They did it. They managed to pull off this time heist that Scott so affectionately nicknamed it and beat the purple son of a bitch Thanos. But that came with a price as do all things.

Steve felt the elation seeing the enemy all disintegrated to dust like their friends did five years ago. The sunlight starting to peek through the dark clouds creating a calm ambiance. That feeling soon left when he hear the Queens kid cry out for Tony.

"We won, Mr. Stark!"

"Mr. Stark?"

"Tony!?"

Steve watched as Tony's wife, Pepper, placed a hand on the young boy's shoulder. She knelt down to Tony, his eyes erratic, his body stiff, watching her. "It's okay. We're going to be okay."

Steve's eyes burned as tears threatened to fall as he watched Tony's arc reactor flicker once or twice before finally going off.

They held a small funeral for Tony at his home. The family and closest friends showed up. There were many other lives that Tony has touched and saved. It made Steve look back and regret the times where he doubted the genius.

_"You don't fight for anyone but yourself!" _

The years they spent working together, being the Avengers, was proof that it was the complete opposite. Tony fought for others, endured the guilt and took all the hatred thrown his way.

They wanted to hold a funeral for Natasha as well. But there wasn't a body for them to bury and they knew that she wouldn't want one. She would have wanted to die a mystery like how she lived with only those closest to her knowing who she really want. A hero through and through despite all the ups and downs she had in her life. She risked everything, just like Tony did.

But that didn't stop Steve from pushing a small swan into the river shortly after everyone had walked back inside. Natasha had always talked about her fondness for ballet and how she wished she could dance on a stage to her favorite ballet, Swan Lake. He watched the small figurine float with the natural stream.

"She knew," Steve turned around to see Clint standing behind him, his hands stuffed into his pocket. "She knew what needed to happen to get it and she went anyway. I-I'm so sorry."

Steve placed a hand on his shoulder as a way to comfort Clint. "You have a family to go to."

"She has a family too."

Steve smiled bitterly at this. Before he could say anything else, he heard a small call from the house and a small child running out of the doors with a frantic Wanda chasing after him. "Daddy!"

Steve smiled at the young boy and as the three year old ran up to him, Steve picked him up into his arms, holding him up by one arm. "Hey buddy. " Steve ran his fingers lightly through his messy hair.

Wanda ran up to them with a small huff. "Sorry, I tried to stop him but James wanted to see you."

"It's alright. Thank you for watching him." Steve said with a light smile at the girl with fiery red hair that reminds him of her. Her hair was bright and vibrant like she was. He wasn't all that fond of the blonde that she sported five years ago. She was ambitious, caring, and loyal. She was a great friend, companion, and a mother.

James pointed at the water over his father's broad shoulder. "Mommy."

"You miss mommy?" Steve asked the boy with the gentlest voice. Something that you suddenly adopt when you find yourself with a child. Being near them makes you want to be gentle, lighter with your movements around them, and protect them with all your have. "I miss her too."

While it was unexpected, Steve was happy to get to experience a little bit of the life that Tony had and to have a piece of him and her in a bundle of joy in his arms. A small boy with messy blond hair, piercing blue eyes and her perfect nose.

Clint and Wanda watched the father and son with sad looks on their faces, knowing that the boy will have to grow up without his mother now. He was too young to really remember her but still needed her and wanted her. Wanda lost everything when her parents and brother died. When she moved in with the Avengers, Natasha was a surrogate sister to her and she was warm and protective of her in a world that didn't welcome a foreigner and a "freak" as they liked to call her. After the excitement of winning, the news of her death shook Wanda like how her Pietro's death did. Her fingertips shook and glowing red lights started to form before a woman with short blonde hair held her hand. Then her knees went weak and fell down with Okoye to catch her and hold her as she sobbed.

"You hungry, buddy?" Steve asked with a little cheer in his voice. Probably a mask to hide the pain that still lingers. James nodded.

Clint gave a tight lipped smile and tilted his head towards the house behind them. "You two should go back inside."

"Yeah." Clint and Wanda stepped to the side to let Steve walk between them. Steve nodded at the two before turning his full attention to the boy who had his hands on his face. "How about a peanut butter sandwich? Your mom really liked those."

* * *

**author's note: so...that happened. i watched endgame this weekend and cried my eyes out. avengers: endgame didn't end the way i thought it was going to and certain sunk my hopes for romanogers ending but it's okay that's what fanfiction is for! it has been a while since i really wrote anything and my mind is all over the place. basically me not accepting the ending. natasha died but at least she left a son, james rogers, behind. is this what denial looks like?**

**hope you enjoyed it anyway. **


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